It’s been said that while no one conversation will make or break a relationship, every conversation has the potential to alter that relationship’s trajectory.

Frankly, for some reason, I’ve discovered I’m in a season of saying things I wish I hadn’t — to the very people I don’t want to say them to. It’s like the Gulf oil spill: Toxic words spill out, damaging the environment for years to come.

One step is to put a filter in place to catch the toxic spill. While helpful, I feel the need to step up my game, be proactive and avoid the spill altogether. I’m working on two strategies to avert potential disaster in my conversations.

1. Know the Environment

It’s been said that we should think before we speak, which is good advice. I’ve found it even more helpful to focus this thinking on situational awareness.

Most of us lack objectivity on how we appear when we talk to others. We don’t see our body language or hear our tone of voice. Our self-perception gives us clemency. Our good intentions blind and deafen us to the caustic content in our speech.

I am working on picturing myself as someone else might be seeing or hearing me  — right now, as I am speaking. I try to be aware of my facial expression and eye contact.

I ask myself:

• Do I appear interested?
• Am I listening, or just tolerating?
• Am I cutting this person off before they’ve finished their thought?
• Would I be encouraged if I were listening to me right now?
• Am I presuming to know this person’s motives — before they’ve expressed them?
  

I find that being aware of the environment increases my responsibility and decreases the amount of accidental spillage.

That’s the first step; the second is more challenging…

2. Drill in the Right Place

It’s also been said that the mouth speaks out of the overflow of the heart. Some of what spills from my mouth is opinion, emotion or reflection on unhealthy attitudes and perspectives that exist deep underground, in my heart. When I reach down for something to say, I often fail to realize I’m drilling into a toxic layer, bringing things to the surface I didn’t know were there.

I need to be careful where I drill for the content of my conversation. Even more importantly, I need to eliminate that toxicity altogether. It’s easy, for instance, to harbor an attitude or a presumption about another person. But sooner or later harbored attitudes find their way to the surface. I am choosing to root out these attitudes ahead of time, as soon as I realize they are there.

For Leaders

The implications of TMS (Toxic Mouth Syndrome) loom even larger for a leader. Comments in a leadership context have more weight, higher risk and further-reaching impact than they otherwise might. The wrong words at the wrong time can undermine years of right leadership effort. It’s simply not worth it.

If you sense this might be you, then — for the sake of your leadership — change.

Now.

Healthy conversation is a life challenge I am driven to meet head-on. “He said all the wrong things” is not what I want to hear as a part of my legacy. I want to be remembered as an encourager, a challenger and an inspiration — not as a critic and a de-motivator. I want to find better use of the time and energy it takes to clean up toxic mouth spill.

Because it’s virtually impossible to take it back — once it’s been said.